Quarter Life Crisis??

At the end of last school year (even though I graduated over two years ago I still operate on semesters), my roommate decided to put off getting a job for a while and go do YWAM. This decision was a result of what he called a quarter life crises. I admire him for that decision and while I wasn't called to take that step I feel like I am going through a quarter life crisis of my own.

Let me lay it out for you.

While I am aware that I am a child of God's, I constantly wrestle with who I am. There are moments that I am painfully aware of my awkwardness. Other times, I might be just as awkward but blissfully unaware. Sometimes I converse with people and leave feeling somewhat wise, only to move into a new conversation and realize that I am still just a child. I have tons of learning to do.

While I know the dreams that are in my heart are from God, I rarely trust in Him to bring them to pass. There are days that I am honestly overwhelmed by the fact that for the most part they are still just dreams. Out of this tension has birthed what can be described as "what the heck am I doing here?" moments. I have tried to run from them and yet they only grow. This is not a bad thing by the way, but nonetheless not an easy thing.

While I know that God created me for intimacy with Him and I long for it, I am not as deep as I want to be. I wake up some mornings and ask what have I been doing all this time? I would foolishly assume that I should know everything about an infinite God. Not only would I know everything about Him, but I would know Him intimately. Like Paul did or John did. Not only do I not know much about Him, I oftentimes feel I barely know Him.

While intellectually I know that we were created for deep community with others, I seem to only get glimpses of it. Only moments where I sit there and think wow this is amazing. Those moments often feel few and far between. Yet, sometimes when real community stares me in the face, I choose to read a book about it instead. That can feel less messy.

I was driving home the other night and all this hit me in the face at once. This happens occasionally. In the middle of it something happened that usually does. Yet my short-term memory usually doesn't seem to retain this. Or perhaps it does and yet the reality of it still needs to sink into my heart. It was in this moment driving home, thoughts speeding through my head, emotions going on overload, the fear of my body shutting down in order to cope with these one at a time, that a voice crashed through it all. Even though it was a gentle whisper it packed a punch. A blow stronger than anything I had just been feeling. The voice and Gods' and the words were questions. "Bryan, do you trust me? Do you love me? Will you receive my love for you? Will you walk with me? Do you believe that I placed these things in your heart? Do you believe that I will bring them to pass? Do you have faith?" They weren't asked condescendingly or rebukefully, but rather honestly, raw and full of love, compassion and wisdom.

In that moment things changed. One I had renewed energy and I felt excited rather than overwhelmed. Two, the manifest solutions hadn't come, but THE solution, who was there the whole time, manifested Himself. Three, rather than asking me to give up my dreams, he reiterated that He was behind them and that I need to continue to pursue them. Only this time, He wanted to pursue them with me. That encounter solved nothing and everything at the same time. I am still walking and learning. But I am walking with Him and getting to know Him. And perhaps that's all that matters.